Leon walked into the dance hall ands saw three members of Westlife on the floor in giggles. He had seen Kevin race out of the room laughing with one member; it had looked like Mark, hot on his heels.
He cleared his throat, and one of the blonde hair guys looked up at him.
“Yeah?”
“Er, hi, I’m Leon, I’m meant to be helping Kevin with today’s dancing.” He shifted uncomfortably.
“Okay, cool, whatever!”
Whoever it was waved his hand in the general direction of some seats, “Take a seat.”
Leon sank gratefully into the chair and bounced his knee nervously. Where was Kevin?
Blondie was still watching him, and he looked away, trying not to look too nervous.
Finally Blondie spoke,
“I’m Nicky, that’s Kian and that oaf there is Shane. Mark is currently AWOL, but I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”
Leon nodded, and gave a small smile, while repeating the names in his head. He was hopeless with names, chances were he would have forgotten them by the time Kev came back.
Mark grabbed his hat and sunnies, before bolting out the nearest door, hoping that he didn’t get recognised. Not that he really cared, his life was so confusing at the moment.
These feelings were wrong, he had been brought up to believe the only was in life was to meet a nice girl, get married and have lots of babies. That these type of feelings, for men, were wrong. Not allowed.
He thought he could grow out of this phase, but now it was obvious that, that wasn’t gonna happen. Then he thought maybe if he could suppress the feelings and go on and live a ‘normal’ life. But curiosity got the better of him, and he had to do some research.
He had found a scale from 1 to 6, 1 being the most heterosexual, and 6 being the most homosexual. He had been a 5, and all ideas of a normal life flew out the window.
And then along came Kevin, only 3 days ago, and he turned into a pile of mush. Kevin was everything. Perfect, friendly, fantastic dancer and gay to boot.
And today, when Kevin kissed him, it was the most beautiful thing in the world. But he panicked, and realised again that this was all wrong. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t go on this way. Not anymore – there was only one way out.
Kian, Nicky and Shane were just starting to pry open the shy shell that surrounded Leon, and was just getting him to start talking and relax a bit, when the door flew open and Kevin stumbled in, looking panicked.
“You guys seen Mark?”
Shane shook his head, “No, we thought he was with you!”
“He was, until, well…” Kevin trailed off, unsure of how much the lads knew.
Kian shifted, he had a pretty good idea of what had happened, but he didn’t wanna say anything in front of the other guys.
“Kev? Can I talk to you? Outside?”
Kevin nodded and followed Kian out into the hall, were Kian rounded on him.
“What the hell happened? What did you do to him?”
Kevin looked a little bit ashamed. Kian grabbed him by the front of his shirt and shoved him up against the nearest wall.
“What happened? Tell me!”
“Let me go and I will!” Kian released him and glared.
“We were just playing around and it got serious, and I…” he hesitated.
“You what?” Kian’s voice was like ice.
“I kissed him.”
“Oh Christ Kevin! Why, for the love of God, why?”
“I wasn’t thinking, the way he was coming onto me. I was pretty sure about him, so I just did it. I wasn’t expecting him to panic like he did.”
Kian ran his fingers through his hair, trying not to panic. Mark was only just accepting the fact that he wasn’t what his parents wanted him to be.
They had raised him with very strict beliefs, that in a nutshell, was that being straight and married to a pretty girl was good, and be gay with a boyfriend was bad.
“Look, we have to find him. He’s so fragile at the moment, he could do anything. He knows he is gay Kev, but he’s having a hard time accepting it. Maybe a bit more tack on your behalf might have helped!”
Kevin kicked at the ground, “Sorry, but wait. He could do anything, you don’t think he would try to hurt himself, do you?”
Kian’s eyes filled with worry.
“I don’t know, Kev, I really don’t know.”
Mark let himself into the hotel room and headed straight for the bathroom. He closed the door and locked it. No point making it easy for anyone trying to find him. Reaching up, he grabbed something of the top shelf and sank down to the ground, leaning against the wall. His mind drifted to the conversation he had had with Kian a few nights ago.
Flashback
He had already been in bed, reading a book when Kian had approached him, and he had known straight away that Kian wanted to talk. He had that look in his eyes.
“Yeah mate?”
“You know what, Mark. Don’t worry, I’m not here to judge, just to listen. It isn’t good to keep this locked up inside Markey. No matter what anyone has told you Mark, whatever anyone has tried to force you to believe, don’t listen to them. Follow you’re heart and you’ll fly”
Listening to Kian’s kind words had brought him to tears. At last, someone who understood, who didn’t judge, who didn’t think being gay was evil.
He found himself reaching out for Kian, needing someone to comfort him, to hold him, and he as Kian took him in his arms, he tried to explain. That this was all wrong. He wasn’t meant to like guys.
“I’m sorry Ki…I can’t help it…I’m dirty and wrong and it’s evil.”
Kian rocked him gently, soothing him, telling him it was all going to be okay, he just needed time to think.
“I don’t wanna think Ki…I just wanna be normal. Like girls, just like you and Nicky and Shane. But I can’t. And now whenever I see Kevin, all these strange feelings come bubbling up inside of me. An Christ, I’ve only known him for a couple of hours!”
“It’s called Love Mark. Love at first sight.”
“It’s wrong! It can’t be loved, he’s male! Beside, love between two men would never work. Never!”
He was nearing hysterics now and Kian was trying everything to sooth him and calm him. He pushed him down onto the bed, and pulled the doona up over him.
“Sleep now Mark, everything will make sense in the morning. And remember this, love can build a bridge, and when it’s time, it will work.”
Following his advice, he had fallen into a deep, dark sleep.
End flashback
Mark swallowed back his tears, this was really the only way.
The world would be better off without him. He knew this, he was sure everyone else would think so to. Reaching for the pen he had grabbed of the desk, he scribbled a few words onto a scrap of paper and put it to one side.
He turned the razor over in his hand, so bright and shiny looking. Lyrics from a Boyzone song filtered into his head.
No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true.
No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We’ll find our own way back
I can’t deny what I believe,
I can’t be what I’m not
I know I’ll love forever,
I know, no matter what…
And that was the reason why he had to do this.
It was over in a minute, maybe less. All he felt was pain, lots of pain.
And then nothing.
15 minutes later
The Westlife lads, plus Leon and Kevin raced up the stairs to Mark and Kian’s hotel room.
They had searched the entire area around the dance studio, with no luck. Mark’s phone had been left behind, so they couldn’t even try to ring him. Kian was the only lifer that knew fully what was going on. He had given a sketchy outline to Shane and Nicky, using the excuse that they had to find Mark, to get out of telling them the whole truth.
Now they were all getting worried, Mark never went off like this, it wasn’t like him. Kian quickly opened the door to the room,
“Right, spilt up and we’ll cover everywhere.”
They all headed off and Kian headed for the living area, passing the bathroom on the way. He stopped, the bathroom door had been left open this morning.
He knew that, cause he had been the last to leave the room.
He tried the door handle.
Locked.
“Mark?” He could hear the panic in his own voice.
“MARK?”
No answer.
Backing up, Kian took a run at the door and slammed his full body weight into it.
Having a fairly cheap lock on it, the door sprung open straight away and Kian almost fainted at what he saw inside.
Mark, surrounded by blood, lots of blood.
Hurrying over to him, he screamed out as loud as he could,
“Somebody call an ambulance!”